Local Business Ignores Laws of Time.

Residents and workers in the Turtle Bay section of Manhattan were overjoyed this past spring to learn of a Dos Caminos restaurant coming to the corner of 3rd and 50th Street. Replacing long-time resident eatery La Maganette, Dos Caminos would be arriving in September, 2006 according to a banner hanging on the window.

But as September came and went and October drew to a close, there was no sign of a grand opening. While construction continued inside, the "September 2006" banner hung limply from one window and many pedestrians were left wondering if the famous Dos Caminos bar with 100 tequilas would ever come.

"This is just like corporate America," griped flyer hander-outer Jason Guldern. "I'll bet Taco Bell is behind this." There is a Taco Bell hidden in the back of the Liberty Deli, located on the same block as Dos Caminos, but a Taco Bell spokesperson denies any involvement in the delay. "This is a 'gordito' sized mess, isn't it?" he stated in an obvious plug for the Taco Bell menu.

When contacted for a comment, B.R. Guest, the restaurant group which own Dos Caminos, said, "check out the website, stupid." Sure enough, there is an announcement stating that Manhattan's 3rd Dos Caminos will be opening in early November. This statement is meant to be specific enough to pique people's interests, but generic enough to give them until November 15th to open.

New Spam Filter Causes Plunge in VlbAGRA Market

Sales of popular drugs like VlbAGRA and C-AliS hit an all-time low last week, sending investors into a panic in after-session trading. The cause of this unexpected drop was traced to the IT department at many WGG advertising agencies installing more powerful spam filters to the e-mail systems. Because of these filters, thousands of WGG employees can no longer receive offers on discounted VlbAGRA it's sister drug, VuGArA, or from any online p^har.ma'cy.

"I got an e-mail promising that I would 'achi:eve more se.x.u.a.l activ:ity' if I clicked on the link," said art director Justin Cooper. "I figured I'd look at it later on but I guess I waited too long." Many men were disappointed to learn that they had missed their windows of opportunity to become the next "Mr. Long Laster."

According to an e-mail on one site, "thanks thanks, I mumbled with complete lack of appreciation. only thing that kept us alive was the fact that the gun kicked hard." Further requests for comment have been forwarded to the junk mail folder.

The staff at Gordon Sims Sez is also investigating the recent drop off of internet stox markets trading.

Models Living (Extra) Large

People flocking to Europe's fashion shows in hopes of ogling some hot, scantily-dressed supermodels were dismayed by what they saw in Madrid last month.

In what has been called "The Madrid Initiative", girls deemed to be unhealthily thin according to an index created by the World Health Organization (WHO) have been banned from the fashion runways. One woman modeling the latest in toothpick wear found the decision to be, "like, sooooo not fair." "Thin is the new black," claimed one-named model Fricia, who was wearing a skeleton costume. It turned out that it wasn't a costume. Other waifs who usually populate fashion weeks were left with even more vacant stares than they usually have. Models named Micha, Viv, Ana, and Druze were sent away for pancake breakfasts for being too thin. It was the hot topic on everyone's lips, but on the lips of everyone else? Hot fudge.

Not everyone is unhappy with the Madrid Initiative. The recent shortage in models has caused the streets and cafés of Spain to become flooded with obese women. Lines of rotund, sumo-sized fatties stretched for miles. Blimpos, gordos, fat-asses and heifers joined with wide loads, ten ton tessies, round mounds of rebound and lard butts storming the modeling agencies, looking for their chance to hit the runways. "We welcome all healthy women who want to model," stated Leonor Perez Pita, director of Madrid 's fashion week. "But the women are out there pounding the pavement. Literally. It's causing a lot of damage to our side streets."

In Juan's Diner, two translucent models complained that the new regulations were forcing them to eat more than they'd like. "I'm on my second piece of Melba toast," whined Anika Stig. "Yeah," agreed her companion, who wished to remain anonymous. Meanwhile, in the booth behind them, Two plus-sized woman were seen eating the leftovers from the plates of the other models.

Fasting Jews Slowing Traffic

Millions of Jews welcomed in the new year of 5767 with song, prayer and fasting. But the celebrations turned ugly in the filthy Manhattan neighborhood of Chinatown just as the sun disappeared.

As the ceremonial ram's horn, or shofar, was blasted, the doors of hundreds of area synagogues were thrust open as hungry Jews made an exodus reminiscent of their forefathers fleeing Egypt thousands of years ago. "Me hear loud horn," said Mott Street stereotype Pao-Lin Chin. "Then hear sound like million hooves of cattle."

The clarion call of the ram's horn was soon replaced by the feedback of the police bullhorn as hundreds of cops were sent to clear gridlock and break up fights. "Things will be back to normal by the morning rush," said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg between bites of spare rib and #24 Kung Pao Chicken.

Two women were injured by a man swinging a duck which had been hanging in the window of Chow Luck Kitchen, 21 Pearl Street. "I see this many time before," said 76-year old resident Zhin "Charlie" Zhao-Linn. "I remember Yom Kippur 5735. Or maybe 36. You know locust scene from [1937 classic] 'The Good Earth'? It lot like that.

Police were called in to ease tensions, gridlock.

As the streets cleared, a sanitation crew began clearing the streets of discarded duck sauce packets and salting the sidewalks to keep pedestrians from slipping on the oil slicks left by egg roll wrappers.